The Ongoing Adventures of Hudson Hawk and Tommy Five-Tone

One of Andrew’s favorite movies, this also finds a sympathetic audience in Nick. It tells the tale of a good-hearted cat burgler (Bruce Willis) who uses showtunes to hone his timing while stealing works of art, who is coerced into cooperating with the CIA and some psychopaths (including Sandra Bernhardt) in attempting to construct a Leonardo-Da Vinci-authored lead-to-gold conversion-machine. (Yeah, I know, sounds like a bad Alias spoof.) He and his partner, Tommy Five-Tone (Danny Aiello) are assisted by nun and Vatican spy Andy McDowell (I know, sounds like a bad Brotherhood of the Wolf spoof.), who is, you guessed it, the movie’s love interest. The villains involve the aforementioned psychos (The Mayflowers), their “biggass-knives-up-his-sleeves-ala-Wesley-on-Angel butler,” the over-the-hell but still vaguely ass-kicking CIA functionary played by James Coburn, and his team of retarded CIA agents named after candy bars.
The move made absolutely no fucking sense, and was big in Europe.
It also featured multiple references to video games, specifically the Nintendo brand; coincedently, a Nintendo game was made which managed to suck harder than the movie by whole orders of magnitude.

  • “Guess you won’t be attending that hat convention in July”
  • “History! Tradition! Culture! Are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights!”
  • But I want to do community service; I want to teach the handicapped how to yodel.
  • I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.
  • Minerva Mayflower: ...on display for three days only at the Louvre in Paris.
    Hudson Hawk: As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?
  • I’ll torture you so slowly, you’ll think it’s a career.
  • Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 1200 hours since my last confession.
  • Hudson Hawk: You’re supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill!
    Tommy Five-Tone: Air bags! Can you fucking believe it?
    Anna: You’re supposed to be burnt up in the explosion!
    Tommy Five-Tone: Sprinkler system set up in the back! Can you fucking BELIEVE it?
    Hudson Hawk: Yeah! That’s probably what happened.
    h2. See also:
    Bad Movies