_It ain’t over till…_

SIMON SEZ

So, we were up very, very late one night preparing for a [Sanskrit] midterm. We were over at Pembroke, but at some point grew tired of memorizing our Hitopadesha translations and wandered down to use the lounge and its TV in Andrew’s dorm.
We turned it on and, as per habit, flipped to TNT to see what sort of late-night tripe was on.
And oh, what tripe it was.
If you haven’t seen Simon Sez, you can’t understand the utterly transformative power of the international language of cinema. This film is a masterpiece—a perfect script coupled to inspired direction and acting of the highest caliber.
Why should you see this movie? Well, let’s begin with the star. Dennis Rodman. Is there anyone in hollywood whose star is rising faster? I think not. With Simon Sez, you gain valuable insight into his ultra-smooth transition between basketball and cinema. The script is the kind of genius that you can only get with two low-grade actors making their writing debut fleshing out a story put together by two low-grade producers, also making their writing debut. But don’t don’t worry, it’s directed by the writer of Iron Eagle making his directorial debut.
Yes, this movie truly proves that inexperience is no barrier in the face of passion and enthusiasm.
But this movie is also an ensemble success with a very strong supporting cast. Comic relief is provided by Dane Cook, whose career highlights include playing The Waffler on Mystery Men, cohosting some Jimmy Kimmel, and his very own Comedy Central Presents. We also have two innocent young lovers, one a european unknown, the other Natalia Cigliuti (yep, she’s the American), who’s appeared on not merely All My Children (as, apparently, “Anita Santos #4”), but also Saved by the Bell...”The New Class.” Sexual innuendo (and one of the world’s funniest pg-13 sex scenes) courtesy of Emma Sj?g, who apparently once appeared in a George Michael video. Her character is never named in the movie, but is referred to in the IMDB cast list as “The Dancer.”
But the true hidden treasures are Macro and Micro, the Monks of Death, who, well…they’re kind of hard to explain. Imagine that Q from the Bond movies were two Americans, one black and one white, the white one really fat, and who went around in vaguely Franciscan garb and had their secret lair in a Church. That gets you the form, but not the substance. You really need to watch the movie.
Corsican separatism. International intrigue. Monks of Death. It ain’t over till…Simon Sez.
h2. Quotes
* “What kind of man kills another man’s fly?” * “I only collect wooden cows .” * “Easy, Flashdance—game over.” * “We’re Monks. MONKS OF DEATH.” * ” ‘Him’ has some explaining to do.” * “Making sure you get the job done.”
“JOB THIS!,” * “I tried grapes, but she kept eating them.” * ”...Caucasians.” * “We’re the doctors of surveilance.”
“And the doctors are in the house.”
“Doctor.”
“Doctor.” * “Colonel, you are the tops of the pops.” * “Later. Right now I want to work out.” [Open-hand slaps large button, keying lights out, strobe on, and five minutes removing Dennis Rodman’s pants.] * “Straight, 10 high. Where’s your Messiah now?” * “I call it ‘Ashton’s Super Weapon of Death.’ ” * “No, but nice try, sailor.” * “May your first child be a masculine child.”
h2. See also
Bad Movies, Andrew, Sansrkit, Homework Cartels
h2. Links:
* http://imdb.com/title/tt0168172/ * http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2458178 (not the version actually included in the film, and without the context it loses some of its humor.)
Note: Now what I really want to do is rough out the plot of “Simone Sez”, setting the piece during WWII and [Weil]’s days with the French resistance or, possibly, the Spanish Civil War…